Comics Tagged : dumb things people do

Why I’m Not On Stranger Things

Why I’m Not On Stranger Things

Strip Info

Title
Why I’m Not On Stranger Things
Date
July 10, 2022
Tags
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Notes

Kate Bush it is not

Transcript

Panel 1 : Ext. Hawkins Graveyard – Day

An Overhead shot of Kevin, floating several feet in mid-air. Wearing headphones, his eyes roll back in a dumbfounded expression. On the ground, Dustin and Lucas from Stranger Things freak out.

Dustin
Oh no! Kevin’s under Vecna’s curse!
Lucas
Quick! Play his favorite song!
Panel 2 : Int. Vecna’s Lair – Continuous

Kevin is bound up by tentacles in Vecna’s Lair. Everything has a red tint. Vecna stands opposite him, poised with his claw hand. Yet they both pause to and look skyward as a song begin playing.

Singer
Shake your love! I just can’t shake your love! Shake your love! I just can’t shake… your love!
Panel 3 : Int. Vecna’s Lair – Continuous

Embarrassed, Kevin blushes and grins. Vecna lowers his claw. A look of disbelief and judgement on his face.

Vecna
Debbie Gibson?
Kevin
Please don’t tell anyone.

The Procrastination Game

The Procrastination Game

Strip Info

Title
The Procrastination Game
Date
May 8, 2022
Tags
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Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. Living Room – Day

Kevin sits on his couch, controller in hand, playing a video game. His bird sits next to him.

Kevin
Ugh. This game sucks.
Bird
Then why not play a game you like?
Panel 2 : Int. Living Room – Continuous

Kevin replies.

Kevin
Because if I play a game I like, I’ll get absorbed and won’t do the other things I have to do today.
Panel 3 : Int. Living Room – Continous

The bird ponders.

Bird
So why not do those other things first, then play a game you like?
Kevin
Because playing games is how I procrastinate.
Panel 4 : Int. Living Room – Continous

The bird looks concerned.

Bird
Wow, you’re all messed up, huh?
Kevin
My therapist calls me his “goldmine.”

What’s In Your Wallet?

What’s In Your Wallet?

Strip Info

Title
What’s In Your Wallet?
Date
April 3, 2022
Tags
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Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. The Metaverse – Day

Kevin and his orc guide walk through a Metaverse landscape.

Kevin
So how do I get a sweet metaverse avatar like yours?
Orc
You have to pay for it.
Panel 2 : Int. The Metaverse – Continuous

Still walking.

Kevin
With real money?
Orc
With crypto!
Kevin
So… not real money?
Panel 3 : Int. Metaverse – Continuous

The orc stops. Kevin stands behind him

Orc
Kinda. It’a a digital curency. Here: let’s set up a wallet for you.

The orc reaches towards a glowing Bitcoin wallet icon.

Panel 4 : Int. The Metaverse – Continuous

In the real world, Kevin stands in his living room, looking confused in a VR headset. His bird perches on his arm.

Bird
How’s it going in there?
Kevin
I think I’m about to get swindled.

Welcome to The Metaverse!

Welcome to The Metaverse!

Strip Info

Title
Welcome to The Metaverse!
Date
March 27, 2022
Tags
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Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. The Metaverse – Day

Kevin stands in a digital void next to a giant orc.

Orc
Welcome to The Metaverse! Here, you can be anyone you want!
Panel 2 : Int. The Metaverse – Continuous

The orc continues.

Orc
Look at me! I’m an accountant irl. But here, I’m an orc warrior! No judgement!
Panel 3 : Int. Metaverse – Continuous

The orc continues.

Orc
Go ahead! Be who you’ve always wanted to be!

Kevin closes his eyes and starts to glow.

Panel 4 : Int. The Metaverse – Continuous

Kevin’s shirt changes from black to light pink. “Plip!” He smiles.

Panel 5 : Int. The Metaverse – Continuous

The orc looks on, skeptically.

Orc
Yeeeah… Salmon’s not your color.

Kevin deflates.

The Tale of Climate Policy – Part 1

The Tale of Climate Policy – Part 1

Strip Info

Title
The Tale of Climate Policy – Part 1
Date
August 22, 2021
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Transcript

Panel 1 : Ext. Castle – Day

The Tale of Climate Policy

A medieval King stands on the wall of his castle, looking over the nearby village. An aide stands next to him, gesturing at the burning forest beyond.

Aide
Your Highness, the forest beyond the village is aflame again!
King
Hmmm. What seems to be the cause?
Panel 2 : Ext. Castle – Continuous

The King listens, stroking his beard and pondering.

Aide
We believe it to be the sparks from the Blacksmith’s shop.
King
Then I shall speak to the Blacksmith!
Panel 3 : Int. Blacksmith’s Shop – Later

The King stands opposite the Blacksmith in his shop. The Blacksmith is twice the size of the King and twice as mean-looking. A nearby kiln showers sparks everywhere.

King
Fair Blacksmith! Could you please produce less sparks from your shop?
Blacksmith
No.
Panel 4 : Ext. Castle – Later

The King stands atop his castle wall, addressing the villagers below. Behind him, a great plume of smoke and embers rises.

King
I HAVE DONE ALL I CAN TO STOP THE FOREST FIRES!

Jenga For Beginners

Jenga For Beginners

Strip Info

Title
Jenga For Beginners
Date
August 15, 2021
Tags
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Notes

This comics was written by the criminally funny Opus Moreschi

Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. Void – Day

A man stands hunched over a table, hand to his forehead, biting his lip in nervousness. On either side of him, his friends gather, shouting with anticipation. On the table in front of them is a single, rectangular block of wood, standing on it’s end like a tower. A very stable tower. The nervous man raises his hand to touch it. To the side, a box lies open with the label “Jenga For Beginners.”

The Kingdom That Almost Won

The Kingdom That Almost Won

Strip Info

Title
The Kingdom That Almost Won
Date
August 1, 2021
Tags
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Notes

This comic went crazy viral (go figure). Here’s my Twitter thread examining the spread.

Transcript

Panel 1 : Ext. Kingdumb – Day

A medieval knight points at a giant dragon lying on its back in a destroyed village. The knight beckons to nearby villagers.

Knight
Look! The dragon is almost slain! Let us arm ourselves and end its reign of terror!
Panel 2 : Ext. Kingdumb – Continuous

The nearby villagers look at their armor with skepticism.

Villager 1
Wait- What’s this armor made of?
Villager 2
The court jester says it makes you magnetic…

A third villager wears a helmet with visor hanging under his chin.

Villager 3
I can’t breathe in this helmet!
Panel 3 : Ext. Kingdumb – Continuous

The knight looks on in despair as the villagers continue.

Villager 1
Don’t push your pro-armor agenda on us!
Villager 2
The dragon hasn’t eaten anyone -I- know.
Villager 3
We should let the dragon eat us until it gets full.

Meanwhile, the dragon looms over the knight.

Panel 4 : Int. Bedroom – Night

In a modern-day child’s bedroom, a little boy in bed furrows his brow.

Little Boy
I don’t like this story. The people are dumb.

Sitting at the foot of his bed, his mother hunches over a storybook, head in hands.

Mom
-Sigh- I know.

The Cord Cutter’s Lament

The Cord Cutter’s Lament

Strip Info

Title
The Cord Cutter’s Lament
Date
May 9, 2021
Tags
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Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. Void – Day

Kevin stands, looking at his credit card bill. His bird sits on his shoulder.

Kevin
Man! All these streaming services really add up!
Panel 2 : Int. Void – Continuous

His bird ponders.

Bird
Hmm… if only there was a single service that gave you hundreds of channels for one price…
Panel 3 : Int. Void – Continuous

Kevin starts to respond.

Kevin
…You mean like ca-
Bird
(interrupting)
LIKE CABLE.
Panel 4 : Int. Void – Continuous

His bird looks closer at his cable bill.

Bird
Also: You pay for Netflix? What a chump!

Kevin deadpans to camera.

Look With Your Eyes

Look With Your Eyes

Strip Info

Title
Look With Your Eyes
Date
January 30, 2021
Tags
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Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. Home – Day

Toast stands in front of an open closet. Egg sits at the table across the room, working on a laptop.

Toast
Where are the light bulbs?
Egg
Middle shelf.
Panel 2 : Int. Home – Continuous

Toast looks confused.

Toast
Where? I don’t see them.
Egg
(stops working)
Next to the towels.
Panel 3 : Int. Home – Continuous

Toast doesn’t see them.

Toast
Where?
Egg
-Sigh-

Egg stands up and begins to walk across the room.

Panel 4 : Int. Home – Continuous

Just as Egg reaches Toast…

Toast
Oh! There they are!

Toast reaches for them. Egg just glowers at Toast.

Opening Up

Opening Up

Strip Info

Title
Opening Up
Date
July 16, 2020
Tags
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Notes

This is probably my most political comic to date. It blew up on Reddit. I think it even made it to the front page. People used the comments as a place to debate COVID-19 lockdown re-opening. The debate got so heated that the moderators of r/funny actually took it down.

Transcript

Panel 1 : Ext. Castle Courtyard – Day

A King addresses a crowd of his subjects from the top of a high wall.

King
My loyal subjects.. I’ve decided to reopen the castle!
Panel 2 : Int. Castle Courtyard – Continuous

From the crowd below, a lowly subject speaks up. Behind him is the main gate of the castle. On the other side of that, a green fog can be seen lingering right over the wall.

Subject
But Your Majesty! The Murder Fog is right outside the gates! We’ll be killed!
Panel 3 : Int. Castle Courtyard – Time

The king motions to a group of three younger people to his left. They look insufferable. Like mideval hipsters.

King
I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I have no choice… Beck and her friends MUST BRUNCH!

Selling Stuff on Craigslist – Part III

Selling Stuff on Craigslist – Part III

Strip Info

Title
Selling Stuff on Craigslist – Part III
Date
January 22, 2020
Tags
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Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. Void – Day

Kevin sits at a little table. On the table, there’s a little red lamp. A tag hangs off that says “$5.” A sign next to it says “Lamp $5 / Still works! / Red shade / 18″ Tall”. Craigslist Guy stands very far away.

Craigslist Guy
Hey! Is your lamp still available?
Kevin
Yup! It’s free!
Panel 2 : Int. Void – Continuous

Craigslist Guy is happy.

Craigslist Guy
Great! I’ll take it!
Kevin
Great!
Panel 3 : Int. Void – Continuous

Craigslist Guy doesn’t move.

Panel 4 : Int. Void – Continuous

Finally, Craigslist Guy breaks the silence.

Craigslist Guy
Can you bring it to me?

Kevin deadpans to camera.

If I Was On “Hot Ones”

If I Was On “Hot Ones”

Strip Info

Title
If I Was On “Hot Ones”
Date
January 8, 2020
Tags
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Notes

Sean Evans liked this on Instagram.

Transcript

Panel 1 : Int. Hot Ones Set – Day

Close up on Kevin sitting at the Hot Ones table. His eyes pop out and his mouth pickers.

Panel 2 : Int. Hot Ones Set – Continuous

Still close up. Kevin opens his mouth. Fire bursts out. His eyes pour water.

Panel 3 : Int. Hot Ones Set – Continuous

Still close up. Kevin hunches over. Crying in pain. Tears streaming from his face.

Panel 4 : Int. Hot Ones Set – Continuous

Now wider. We see Sean Evens sitting across from Kevin. A confused look on his face.

Sean Evans
Um… We haven’t started yet.
Kevin
I’m out!